.png){kind=small}
hello everybody!!
as you can probably tell, i have not been keeping an active blog over here! there’s been a lot of reasons for that! partially, i just didn’t think it would be a productive use of my time; i figured it would be for only me, and i have websites like tumblr for that. i also partially assumed that nobody would care if i wrote a blog, but, honestly, that shouldn’t be a reason to do or not do anything — i should do something just because i want to do it!
i also thought, “what’s the point of starting a blog if i’m just going to eventually stop?”
this is also not a good reason to not do something! all things will eventually stop — that’s just the nature of the things we do. everything ends! that shouldn’t ever be a reason to not do something.
so, even if this is the only blog post i make on my website, i’m making it! because i wanted to try, and it’s worth trying it! if i like it, i’ll keep going— and, if i don’t, i’ll just stop! and it won’t mean i’m less than, or it doesn’t mean anything, or nobody cares. it just means i tried something, and it didn’t work, and that’s okay. it’s important to try things just to see!
okay so. with that out of the way. time for me to write a blog post.
i’m working on a lot of stuff right now! like. a lot of stuff! and i have a lot of feelings about that! for one thing, i’ve been writing a lot of fanfiction. like, a lot of fanfiction! and that’s a lot of fun! i just wrapped up a couple of longer, bigger projects i was doing, and i’ve written some one-shots i like, and i’m very proud of my work! it’s a fun thing to do, and it connects me with my fan community, and i enjoy it a lot. i mean, obviously— since i’ve been doing it for over a decade, at this point, and have no intentions of stopping.
beyond that, i’ve also been involved in some fan zines lately! honestly it’s mildly motivating me to make my own zine… but! one thing at a time! i also did a big bang, and, though that was a difficult experience at times, i learned a lot from it, and i’m proud of my final product! on the front of fanfiction, things are going well! i’m applying to some more zines and fan projects, and i’m excited to keep going on that.
beyond that, i’m doing a lot of original writing! every time i finish writing a book, i have this period of creative scrambling, almost— it’s not easy for me to decide what i’m working on next. at the moment, i have a few ideas i’m working on at the same time, trying to decide which one will be The One that i want to work on next in earnest. there’s a lot of ideas i have— including a very seasonal one, a massive project i’ve been working on, a smaller fantasy concept, a series idea, a poetry collection, a historical romance, and a few others— so it’s hard to decide sometimes what’s most important to go next. it’s usually just a matter of feeling it out and going from there, and i’m still currently in that process! i’m excited to figure out what it’ll be! i’ve realized that some of these projects need a lot more reading/research/outlining before i get into them, so i’m excited to work on that, as well.
part of the problem i have been encountering is that i have gotten into a very specific manner of doing things with writing. i know i’m capable of writing a lot very quickly, so i’ve basically made it so, every time i write, i feel this ambition and determination— and, occasionally, a need— to write a lot, and to make sure it’s very good, and to ensure that i am writing towards some product: a fanfiction i can post and share, a book i can publish, something that i can show to others to say, see? i have been working, and i am writing, and i’m still good at this. and that’s okay! i’ve been enjoying it!
i also do not think this is serving me anymore! i know i’m good, and i know i can write a lot, and i’ve let that almost start holding me back?? i become so bogged down in being able to produce the products that trigger others into giving me praise, and telling me i’m good at what i’m doing, because it feels good! and that’s okay, but i think it’s time for me to start adjusting my relationship to writing, in a lot of ways. i know i can write a lot; now, i want to find out what else i can do, what else i can write, what else there is to try! if i don’t get praised for it, that’s okay; i just need to start doing it!
with that being said, i’m starting to try amending my relationship with writing, improving it, adapting it to what i want it to be, now, instead of what it is. i have stopped taking requests entirely, and no longer write commissions. i no longer allow myself to write and post something all in the same day. i no longer write something and decide to commit to writing only that, and doing nothing else except working and breathing, until it’s done. i can’t do that anymore! it wasn’t serving me any longer!
instead, i’m trying to work on fleshing out the work i am doing. i am taking my time. i am trying to practice patience, which is something i struggle with often, and always have. i go back over my work several times. and, most importantly, i do not sit down and write thousands of words, then sleep, then go to work, and then repeat the cycle. i am trying to do more than just write; i am reminding myself i am a human who is a writer, not a writer that is also a human.
in that process, i am doing a lot of work! i love writing, and i love writing a lot! but i don’t want to burn myself out! i want writing to be a part of me, not all of me. writing is a passion, a hobby, and a facet of me, but it can’t be everything! and that’s an important lesson for me to learn, especially right now.
so, now that i beat nanowrimo for this year (weeks early, which i think points to the problem i’ve created for myself), i’m trying to focus more fully on writing only when i truly want to, on not burning myself out, and on writing to write, not just to put out a product! i do not need to prove myself to anyone, to produce books/stories literally every day, et cetera— i just need to do what i want, be who i am, and move forward from there! i’m trying to teach myself that not everything i write needs to be written immediately, written for others, or written to be shared as soon as possible. while i know this logically, i sometimes forget this emotionally! so i have to practice!
in addition to modifying how i actually write, i’m also working on becoming more well-rounded, trying other things, balancing myself out, and all that good stuff. one of the most important parts of all of that has been reading more!
i got into this habit of, whenever i started reading, i thought, “this could be time i could be using to write,” or i would get an idea, or i would feel inspired, and i would completely drop what i’m reading to write something instead. and, as i said before, i adopted a completionist, perfectionist mentality every time: i get inspired, i feel i have to write an entire project without stopping, and i never return to what i was doing in the first place, and that has to change.
i also want to let go of any judgment or shame i feel surrounding reading! i have seen the act of reading, and specifically the act of sharing what we read, become something strange to other people, that i don’t totally recognize. i feel shame for what i want to read, or shame that i’m not reading enough, or shame that i’m not grinding these books like everybody else, or shame over my reading speed, and all of that is completely unnecessary. i also feel this need to log everything (also part of all the social media right now, with things like goodreads, bookstagram, bookblr, et cetera) and then i feel pressure to interact in an almost performative way with everything i read, as if i need to prove myself. and i don’t! i just need to read and enjoy!
so, right now, i’m working on not only reading far more, and indulging, and being present, but also reading things i want to read, without the fear of what others might think about that. it doesn’t matter to them! it should only matter to me. from there, i can connect with others in a genuine way, not a performative way, about books i truly enjoy reading. that being said, if you have any recommendations for me, hit me with them!
i’m not just reading, either! i’m working on developing other hobbies and doing things outside of writing that are still sort of related to writing (i do love it so much), and some that don’t at all! i’ve been reading d&d books in a renewed effort to dm my own campaign, i’m playing a lot more video games, i’m expanding the television/movies i watch, i’m working on my photography, i’m looking at getting back into clay work, and i’m exploring lots of other potential hobbies i haven’t previously made the time for (while prioritizing writing). i’m also keeping up with my website now (updating it, sharing my art, all that), and i’m trying to write more poetry. i know poetry is writing, but it’s different writing than i usually do, and i like it, and i haven’t done much of it lately, so i’m taking my time and working that in, too!
not only that, but i’m working on trying to do things out in the world more. let me tell you, that shit is not easy. i am a homebody by nature, and i also have a habit of preferring to be at home, where i can control my environment and do exactly what i know i want to do. i’m challenging myself to go out more, both to run errands/do chores as well as to engage socially with my friends and my community. like everything else, it takes practice! i’m getting better at it (and winter’s not an easy time to try starting), but it does take time, and a ton of effort, and a lot of pushing outside of my comfort zone, but i’m doing it!! i am working on making choices based on my values, not my fears, and that’s a big part of this.
this applies to my personal life, as well, along with my health (physical, mental, emotional, social, the whole shebang). i’m currently fighting to get us into our own house, which is the current major roadblock preventing me from moving forward in a lot of ways. we still don’t have our own space, but we need one, and i’m working hard to get us there. it’s confusing, though, and difficult, and so fucking stressful, all the time. it’s hard! and it takes a lot out of me! and that’s all tied in with financial struggles, which are as continuous and unending for me as they are for anyone else, so i don’t need to harp on that, but. it makes things a lot more difficult, sometimes, in a lot of ways. i’m so grateful to have a place to be right now, but i have never had my own space. it’s time for that. not only that, once i’m in the house, we can start having kids, which has been my goal for so long, and the end game of practically every single thing i do. i have to keep working, no matter how hard it is, or how stressed i get, or how isolating it feels. i just have to do it! and it sucks, and it’s hard, but it’ll be worth it!
i do feel isolated a lot. moving away from the immediate vicinity of many of my friends, as well as getting married before most of them, have contributed to me not being able to be as close or connect with those people as much. i feel as though they struggle to connect with me, and then i struggle to connect in return. i’m working hard at not being narcissistic and assuming that everything everyone does is about me or because of me, as well as just focusing on being myself in relationships, rather than trying to be the person i think the other person wants me to be. anyone who doesn’t like who i am, i don’t need, and i need to stop thinking that there’s something i can do to make them like me. sometimes, people won’t like me, and sometimes, love will leave, and that’s okay. it is okay! it’s hard, and it hurts, but it’s important to process and internalize and move past. i can’t waste my time and energy anymore, but that doesn’t mean it’s anyone’s fault. it just is! and i need to let things go.
letting things go will— and has been— helping me to prioritize the relationships that matter. rather than wasting time trying to get people to like me who have no interest in connecting anymore, i’m committing myself more thoroughly to the friends and family and people who matter to me, and who i matter to, and who i can communicate and connect with. i want to improve those relationships, and be honest, and love and be loved. i am putting my efforts there now rather than wasting them elsewhere. it’s about them, and me, and our relationship, and love, and nothing else! do you know what i mean?
and that goes into the fact that i have had to do— and have been doing, and am currently doing, and still have a lot to do— a massive amount of emotional and social growth lately. i not only have to adjust the way i interact with the world itself, but the way i interact with other people within it. i am putting myself out there, i am communicating honestly (even when it’s difficult), i’m reaching out, i’m not wasting my energy, i’m pushing myself to do more, and i’m not settling. i am who i am. i am exuberant, and i am queer, and i am me. anyone who doesn’t like me, or who i am, or what i do, doesn’t need to be involved in my life. that doesn’t mean either of us is failing! it just means i’m being true to myself and what i want and what i need. i’m putting a lot of effort into knowing exactly who i am and what i want from myself and what i’d like to be, and i’m not compromising, not for myself or for anyone else.
this means i’ve had to put in a lot of work, too, on my health. my emotional and mental health are always kooky, but i am currently working on moving past diagnoses and symptoms and actually doing something about them. it’s nice to have names for things, but now i need to do the work to actually adapt. i can’t just let things slide because it’s part of a mental illness; i need to push myself to adapt to the world, as i am and as it is, and that’s a lot of hard work. i’m also working on my physical health. i’m extremely limited in a lot of ways, and i’m finally letting myself accept that i cannot do things the way others do, and trying to force that only makes me unhappy, which others can feel. i’m adapting so i can move through the world without massive amounts of sickness and pain, and, though it takes a lot of work, it’s good work to do. when people can’t adapt to me, i have stopped trying to change myself for them. i don’t need to go places i can’t be, eat things i can’t process, or be somebody i’m not for anybody. i only need to be myself.
i’m working hard on being a better person. i am trying to be more responsible. i clean more, try to organize more. i respond to people more quickly. i work on reframing. i try to be gentle. i don’t want to be petty; i’m working on my temper, and my impatience, and my frustrations. i want to be tactful and kind. i want to make the world better. i want to make me better. i want to be happy and satisfied and enjoy myself. i don’t want to dwell; i don’t want to be sad; i don’t want to spit venom. i want better. i’m trying! and that’s all any of us can do.
i know that i’m probably forgetting a lot of things i want to say. and i’m probably not verbalizing things correctly, and i’m not saying some things i should be, and i want to say things differently, but hopefully that’ll be part of the beauty of a blog! i feel like i’m treating this almost like a diary, right now, but who cares! like i said, it’s my blog and i’m doing what i want with it. it is as imperfect and incomplete as i am.
that being said, i’m planning to write more blog posts. i literally was just thinking, “i shouldn’t put up this post until i’m sure i’ve included every thought,” but that’s exactly the kind of thinking i’m trying to get away from! this one post does not need to encompass every single thought i have ever had or ever will have. i will have more thoughts, and i’ll remember things i forgot, and i’ll want to reword things, and that is okay! that’s when i make another blog post. not everything needs to be perfect, complete, or perfectly complete! they just need to be!
if you read all of this, more power to you, and i love you for it. i’m looking forward to continuing to write more blog posts (/diary entries), and write more in general, and try all sorts of new things! i’m happy to be working on myself and growing and changing all the time! there’s so much more to come for me, and it won’t be perfect, and it will be messy, and it should be! i have so much more to learn, so much more to do, so much life to live. i can’t wait!
i’m going to close out this post with the affirmations and reminders i’ve been using recently. i keep a running list on my phone that i add to when i come up with new ones, so this is a never-ending list that will never be completed. i wasn’t going to share it because of that, either, but the list should never be completed, which means i would never share it, and that’s the opposite of the point i’ve been making this whole time! this is part of the practicing i was talking about! so, let me share those statements with you— those things that i tell myself every day, that i need to remember, that are often difficult but even more important for their difficulty.
i will center others. i will refuse pettiness. i will reframe judgments. i will encourage positivity. i will better myself. i will make decisions based on my values, not on my fears. i will make mistakes (and i should make mistakes, so i can learn to be better). i will improve through failure. i will prioritize love. i will act responsibly. i will put the good of many above the good of one. i will communicate honestly. i will strive for genuine connection. i will practice patience. i will not anticipate the worst. i will not waste time worrying about what i cannot control. i will only concern myself with what is, not what might be. i will act with thought and intention. i will not catastrophize. i will remember i am not the main character. i will challenge myself to grow. i will vary my activities and hobbies. i will be honest. i will be tactful. i will be kind. i will be patient. i will enjoy to enjoy, not to produce a product. i will internalize my cosmic potential. i will accept a lack of control. i will not focus on the negative. i will take my time.
i am a work in progress! we all are! i am proud of myself, and the person i am, and how far i have come, and the work i am doing, and the places i’m going! i am excited to keep moving forward, and i hope you are, too! thank you, thank you, thank you, and i love you!!